The Mission...Quest...Thing
by boarders of mordor
Summary: Bilbo is dying (nuuuuuuu!) and he has the hobbits go on a mission to get a certain..something for him ^_^;;. What IS the something he wants? Read the fic and you shall see! Rated PG 13 for erm..sexual references *gasp*.
1. You want PLEASURE? o.0;;

The Mission..Quest..Thing  
  
Setting: Bilbo is on his death bed in Rivendell..I guess he somehow contacted Sam, Frodo, and Pippin who are in the Shire, and Frodo who is in Valinor. Don't ask me how ^^;..I guess news just gets around fast in Middle Earth, lol.  
  
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Bilbo, old and decrepit as he was at the time, was indeed at the end of his days. He was infected with various nasssty diseases (only Valor knows what…but they were all from old age, ya know) and was about to die any day now. Bilbo wanted to see his four young hobbit friends, Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Frodo, just one last time before he was to sleep the long sleep (DIIIEEEE!! *hiss*). He requested that each of them come see him in Rivendell. Soon the four hobbits met up with each other and went to the place where Bilbo lay.  
  
"Bilbo!" wailed Frodo through tears, "What's happened to you??"  
  
"I'm old and decrepit, and dying from old age, you fool! Isn't it obvious?"  
  
"What does decrepit mean?" Pippin asked in wonder, "Oooh!! I bet it means they like crêpes…mmmm, crêpes! How I love them…Hey Merry, wanna go get some crêpes?"  
  
"Er, Pippin? This isn't exactly the time to be thinking of your stomach over someone's life."  
  
"Humph, well Bilbo's thinking about HIS life over MY stomach, so there." Pippin stuck out his tongue at Merry, who responded by tweaking him on the nose.  
  
"Owie! That hurt, Mer! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"  
  
"But Pip...you ARE my size. Remember? We're two of the tallest hobbits."  
  
"Oh…oh yeah. Never mind then! Pick on me all you want." Pippin grinned a blank, idiotic grin.  
  
"Enough, you two!" said Bilbo angrily, "Can't you two see that I'm dying? And I-"  
  
"Oh Bilbo!!!!" Frodo leapt onto his uncle's bed and hugged his uncle around the neck, causing Bilbo to end his sentence suddenly. "I can't let you receive this kind of abuse. Sam! Go deal with them, will you?"  
  
"Gladly, Mr. Frodo." Sam cracked his knuckles, and looked surprisingly dangerous, yet lustful…and sorta, er, hungry too.  
  
"Ahhhhhhh!!" Pippin screamed as he leapt into Merry's arms.  
  
"J-just calm down, Sammy! We can talk this over, c-can't we?" Merry asked timidly, "That's a nice oaf…I mean, hobbit. Ehehehe…"  
  
"You two would go real nice with some herbs and conies…I can cook you up GOOD!!" Sam drew closer and closer to the two frightened hobbits, who just stood there like a couple of really dim-witted, frightened hobbits.  
  
"Ahhhhhhh!! He's a cannibal!! Run!" Pippin squirmed out of Merry's arms and tried to escape, but clumsy as he was, he tripped in the process.  
  
"STOP!" Bilbo exclaimed, and everyone paused what they were doing. "There will be no more cannibalism and rough-housing in the presence of this elderly, decaying hobbit!"  
  
"OH BILBO!!!!" Frodo smothered his face into Bilbo's pillow and began sobbing even more.  
  
"Sam's elderly and decaying?" Pippin asked in wonder. "He looks fine to me…"  
  
"Yeah, except that he's too fat and-" Merry ended abruptly when he noticed Sam looking at him with a foreboding glance.  
  
"No, me! Stupid git…Well, I think I should probably mention the reason I brought you all here. As I'm dying and figured you'd all be overcome with enough stupidity…I mean, sadness to do something for me, I ask that you go on a quest to find a certain…thing."  
  
"Hooray! A mission…quest…thing!" Pippin cried excitedly, "And one that you don't need people of intelligence for either!"  
  
"OH BIL-"  
  
"Quiet Frodo, you-(Merry was stopped by Sam's glare yet again) sweet little hobbit, you…So, Bilbo, what might we be searching for on our quest, eh?"  
  
"Well, young lad, this something I want is, er, something to give me a bit of pleasure before I go on to my next life."  
  
"Ooooooh, some mushrooms perhaps?" asked Pippin vacantly.  
  
"Maybe he wants some Ale…or money!" Merry began rubbing his hands together in a greedy sort of way.  
  
"He wants a dildo," said Sam, sternly and knowingly.  
  
"Yes, that's the one, Samwise my lad," replied Bilbo, looking rather embarrassed.  
  
"Hey, that rhymes with Bilbo! How neat!" exclaimed Pippin excitedly. "But…what IS a dildo?" Pippin had a strong look of bewilderment on his face.  
  
"Well, Pippin, er…" Merry began to explain to Pippin, "it's like your little 'friend' you've got there, only it's fake."  
  
"My friend...? You mean it's like Frodo?"  
  
"No! Not him! I mean the one in your pants."  
  
"OH! THAT friend. But why would Bilbo want a fake one? Why not just get someone to-"  
  
"Do you REALLY think anyone in their right mind would wanna stick their 'friend' into Bilbo? I didn't think so…that's why he needs a fake one, you see?"  
  
"Yah yah, I think I get it. But I think Frodo would be willing to-"  
  
"PLEASE lads!!" exclaimed Bilbo impatiently, "Just get me the damn dildo already! I'm going to die any second now, and I don't want to before I've had my fair share of contentment."  
  
"OH BIL- (Frodo abruptly stopped crying and snapped back to normal mode) we'll go right away! Come on guys, let's get going!" Frodo leapt off Bilbo's bed and walked out the door, followed by the rest of the hobbits. "You can count on us!" he said cheerfully on the way out.  
  
"I sure hope so…" said Bilbo.  
  
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The next chapter is on the way…just hold your hobbits until then! 


	2. stupid git ;P

Yahoozles!! Neeeewww chaaapteeeerrr!! XD I think it's a good one, though I think I made Pippin a bit too stupid and Sam doesn't talk enough ^_^;;. Eh, oh well, it's all in good fun.  
  
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"LA LA LA!! WE ARE LOOKING FOR A DIIIIILDOOOOOO!! SO WE CAN HELP BIIIIILBOOOOO!! LA DEE DA DEE DA!" Pippin sang (quite off-key and obnoxiously) at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Ahhhhhh, my ears! My beautiful, sexy, pointy ears!" exclaimed Merry, cupping his hands over his ears.  
  
"Would you hush down a bit, Pip?" Frodo asked Pippin, "This is supposed to be sort of…secret, if you know what I mean…You DO know what a secret is, don't you Pippin?"  
  
"Oh yes…a secret is something you shouldn't tell other people, but do if you're a sniveling gossip whore," Pippin answered and smiled proudly.  
  
"Er…close enough…"  
  
"I have a question!!!"  
  
"Wha-" began Frodo.  
  
"Answer my question!!!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"ANSWER MY QUESTION!!"  
  
"O K!!!! What IS the frickin' question??"  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"Oi…." Frodo slapped himself on the forehead. "To buy a dildo, of course!!!"  
  
"Yes, but…where?" Pippin inquired as ominous music began to play in the background.  
  
"I know just the place…a sex toy shop," Sam answered coherently. "I go to them all the time."  
  
"Ooooooh, sex toys! Sounds fun!" Pippin exclaimed as he clapped and jumped around a bit.  
  
"I suppose they're what you'd call 'fun'…eh Mr. Frodo?" said Sam as he gave Frodo a nudge with his elbow.  
  
"Er, yes Sam…" said Frodo as he began to blush.  
  
"And where do you suppose we'd find a sex toy shop around here, ey Sammy?" Merry asked. He was trying as best he could to make Sam look bad. "All I see around here are elves, elves, and more frickin' elves!"  
  
"Right over there, Merry," said Sam with a smirk as he pointed to a shop about 50 feet away from where they were standing. Its sign read 'Sex Toys: all shapes and sizes'.  
  
"Oh…oh yeah, I knew that. I was just testing your intelligence…yeah. And you passed, you lucky bastard," said Merry sheepishly. "Damn I'm smooth!" he added softly to himself.  
  
"Well, shall we go in?" asked Frodo. He began to march towards the store, and the rest of the hobbits followed. When they walked into the store, a look of sheer joy spread onto each of the hobbits faces.  
  
"Oh blessed Meriadoc!! This is superly-duperly-super!!" Pippin exclaimed as he began dancing around incoherently. "Dance with me, Mer!!" he grabbed Merry's hands and tried to drag him along.  
  
"Gaahh!" replied Merry in response.  
  
"Stop playin' around, you two!" Sam ordered Merry and Pippin. "We came here for a purpose!"  
  
"And that purpose is…?" asked Pippin in wonder.  
  
"Damn, Pippin! You must have the memory span of a leech." Remarked Frodo,"We came here to get a DILDO, remember??"  
  
"Oh yeah! Silly me…but what's a leech?"  
  
Frodo didn't answer…he just looked at Pippin and walked over to a wall so he could bang his head against it.  
  
"What are you doing, Frodo? Testing the hollow-ness of the wall?" Pippin asked.  
  
Frodo just sighed and shook his head.  
  
"Ok…so…now that we're here, can we just buy the 'ol dildo and get go- ooooooohhh, is that edible underwear I see, and fishnets??" Merry said as he noticed a few interesting things for sale at the store, "I think I'm gonna have to get these! Woo!"  
  
"Oh yes, they do look quite exciting, don't they Mer? Wow, they've got whips and straps and all sorts of neat things," said Pippin. "But doesn't that kind of stuff belong in a horsie shop or something?"  
  
"Ah…well, if we buy them, I think I can show you another sort of purpose for them, Pippin…hehehe…" Merry replied with a grin.  
  
"Oooh that would be so much fun, Merry!" Pippin gathered up as many, um, horsie things that his little arms could carry.  
  
"Hey Frodo, Sam, have you guys found that dildo yet?" Merry asked. He found Frodo and Sam looking at a few 'interesting' magazines…  
  
"Oh, um, not yet…we're still looking. Hehehe…" said Frodo nervously.  
  
"Sure…" said Merry with disbelief. "Well, I think we'd better ask up at the front counter. Come on, Pip."  
  
Merry and Pippin walked up to the sales counter to find that the store clerk was a beautiful, sexy, young-looking elf maiden…clad in very skanky clothes. Merry couldn't seem to stop looking at certain parts of her.  
  
"You go ask her, Pippin," Merry said as he shoved Pippin towards the counter.  
  
"Umm…hello, Miss…we were wondering if you sold little friends, you know, like the one in my pants, but fake?" Pippin asked nervously.  
  
"Whoah…you keep whores in your pants? Damn, they must be pretty small to fit in there," said the elf maiden in surprise. "But yeah, we sell manikins. Would you like to see them? We've got some pretty hot ones."  
  
"Umm…" started Pippin, who was interrupted by Merry.  
  
"The stupid git means a dildo, Miss," said Merry with his head turned away.  
  
"Oh! Hah, you guys should have fun with that. I'll go get one for you," said the elf maiden as she walked into the back room of the store to retrieve their product.  
  
"That wasn't so bad," said Pippin.  
  
"You don't even know how hard that was, Pippin…" said Merry shaking his head.  
  
The elf maiden returned with the box that held the dildo. "Alright, here you go. Anything else for you two today?"  
  
Pippin handed her the 'horsie' things and Merry gave her his fishnets, edible underwear, etc. The elf maiden calculated the price for them. Merry paid her, trying not to glance at her, and then he and Pippin went off to find Frodo and Sam.  
  
"C'mon you guys, we've got the dildo…can we just leave and get this over with?" asked Merry impatiently.  
  
"Fine, fine," said Frodo, putting down one of the interesting magazines. "But we have to come back later, ok? Sam and I might get a few things."  
  
"Sure, sure, let's go."  
  
So the hobbits left the store and returned to see Bilbo. Soon Bilbo would have his fair share of pleasure, and the hobbits would have more pleasure than they could handle that night…  
  
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Yesss, almost done :D. Just one more chapter, and the story will be COMPLETE!!! It will be up VERY soon, I promise!! If it isn't up, harass me by e-mailing me (lauren@nekostar.net).  
  
-Lauren 


End file.
